Maxims

George Washington created 110 MAXIMS or rules of civility (decent behavior in company and conversation) that he lived by. These were set standard of morals, values and behaviors in the presence of others. Wikipedia describes maxims as, "Generally any simple and memorable rule or guide for living." As I've thought about all of this I wondered, wouldn't it be nice if everyone had a list of simple behaviors and standards they lived by? As a member of the LDS church, of course I was brought up to have morals and standards; but what outside of the gospel do I value? As I have thought about this many values coincide with the gospel or at least I could say they do. I believe it is important how we present ourselves in company and conversion. Listed below are a few maxims I would like to incorporating, but not without awkward practice or forgetfulness. Behavioral habits are hard to break and new ones are even harder to develop.  
1) Do not repress a generous thought; and use not compliments sparingly
2) Be honest in thought and deed
3) Lies will not be found escaping thy tongue nor found in the mind with the devil i.e negative self-talk
4) Borrowing should be done with consent of him who has ownership of that which one desires to take
5) Not only validate others opinions and beliefs, but validate your own in the presents of others
2) Do not justify or use excuse for your own behavior or the behavior of others when that behavior could use corrected 
3) Respectfully state positions in matters that are important
4) Wait and consciously listen to others; especially when they have entrusted in you personal or private information
5) Do not spread information that is not yours to share i.e gossip
6) Refrain from lending advice when none is wanted or asked of you
7) Only in circumstances that involve you should you give unwanted advice
8) Do not be stingy in that which you have
9) At certain times it is important to put your needs and wants first
10) At certain times it is important to put others' needs and wants first
11) Refrain from selfishness
13) When others provoke you, refrain from despise or offense
14) When others harm you, easily forgive
15) Include those who others might have tendencies to not include

Be Kind, Speak Kind

            I don’t write this as a means for anyone to feel sorry for me. I only write this for awareness. So that we are aware of what goes on and what will probably continue to go on inside and outside of the church.

            As much as I put on a face of security and confidence, I am insecure.

            When I was five there wasn’t so much concentration on the word “bully” and it didn’t have such a defined meaning as it does today. And my experience might not be very dramatic, and it might be incomparable to what others have experienced, but it did affect me and still does.

            Today in Sunday school the teacher was talking about missionary work and asked everyone to seriously consider the question, what does the gospel mean to you? For me it is always the same answer: I’ve seen both side of the fence; I know what’s on the other side and I decided a long time ago that I don’t want that.

            I can’t blame decisions I made on anyone else, but their actions influence me and pushed me away from the church.

            From the time I was little I was verbally abused by a couple kids in primary who should have been my friends, who could have been Christ like, and who could have made me feel accepted and loved. But did I feel that way? No. No I didn’t.  In a place where so much of my soul was shaped to conform to the teachings of the gospel, I was also treated very unkindly. Mean words of mockery were continually spoken to me. I was pushed into the piano bench on one instance and on some occasions laughed at because I didn’t have the right answers. I admit I was a very sensitive child; and even so today, although I like to put on a tough face to try and disguise the hurt I still feel. On another occasion a boy from church stole my lunch box on the bus. In an effort to get it back I crawled under the seat and was kicked in the face. Sure there was physical pain, but the real pain still remains—feelings of being treated unkindly. The kindness I did experience was by people I didn’t relate the church to; one person in particular, a really good friend, who wasn’t a member, was one I felt the most acceptance and love by.

            Later on in life at age twelve we moved and I attended a different ward in a different town. I was shy, insecure and had a notion that no one from church liked me. And every attitude toward me that was less than positive was automatically viewed by me as negative. If someone didn’t talked to me or ask to hang out with me it was because they didn’t like me. The part of this I always leave out is that my mother chose to homeschool me. And being made fun of for this a time or two, I always blamed the reason for not being accepted on the notion that I was homeschooled. Even today I avoid telling people about that aspect of my life. And when I do open up there are still times I feel rejected for a part of my life I didn’t choose nor that I can change.

            All of the experiences from childhood and adolescents allowed me to develop acceptance issues. In high school I felt more accepted by people who were not connected to the gospel; therefore that’s who I chose to hang out with. I always knew the gospel was true, but I steered away for a bit.

            In sacrament as I was thinking about all of this and what the gospel means to me, I realized that I have been seeking acceptance from people who may never accept me. And no matter how they treat me I will always put up an emotional protection wall (particularly for anyone who attended the wards I did as a child). No matter where I go or what I do, I am insecure, I worry about being accepted. I feel like I have to hide a piece of me not only to protect myself from rejection, but to protect myself from the memory of pain it all has caused. I realize that some children are unkind,  some people are unkind, and the church is true but not all the people behave in Christ-like manners. The sad thing about this story is that I’m convinced that the parents of the children who treated me unkindly projected negative attitudes on their own children. And to make matters worse, treating someone unkindly or avoiding friendship towards someone that might have a different experience is too much of a commonality. I felt like a targeted victim who had one thing different that everyone picked and prodded at.

            All of this, although it still affects me, has taught me how to accept those others might not, to tolerate and celebrate differences, and to love people most think I shouldn’t. The other day as I was entering the checkout stand I saw an older man with tattoos and the smell of smoke. I looked at him and gave him an empathetic smile. I related to him in ways most won’t understand. After doing so I thought about how many smiles he gets from my side of the word (Mormon, young women, BYUI student); and thought probably not a lot. He’s probably ignored and avoided because of what he looks like or smells like.

            The moral of my story is to be kind, speak kind. Accept those you might not have before. Teach your children to be accepting, loving and kind. And even when we are victims of unkindness inside and outside of the church, realize who you’ve become because of your experience. Gather strength and change from pain and hurt.

Guilt VS. Godly Sorrow

Lately I’ve been thinking about the difference between guilt and godly sorrow; and how we often get the two confused. With a life time of church teachings, why are they so easily mixed up? Why do I often feel guilt stronger than godly sorrow? How can I look at my mistakes differently? And how can I accept my mistakes and move on?

Although many church leaders have good intentions, sometimes their words promote guilt to motivate us. And with condemnation so common in the scriptures, the message gets spread throughout the church and to us personally. When we are guilty (not a feeling, but a condition) of something, a scripture that condemns the sinner to hell catches our attention. We often begin to feel guilty. But is what we did really that bad? Are we the true character that the scriptures are depicting? Who exactly is the scripture condemning? Maybe we are, maybe we’re not. Then, perhaps in the same chapter, God is calling one to repentance while showing His uttermost mercy for the repentant soul. We then might feel a need (humility/godly sorrow) to come clean or repent. The guilt might continue to linger along with godly sorrow. But to separate the two is a real gift. One in which I’m not sure I have learned how to grasp.

            Personally I don’t think God would want us going around feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling worthless. This is exactly what guilt does: demobilizes us, unmotivates us, separates us (from each other and from God), makes us feel worthless, and often unworthy.

            To feel godly sorrow though is to be truly sorry—not motivated by condemnation, but motivated by the grace and mercy of God. To recognize our faults, dust ourselves off and move on through the Atonement. We might struggle with the same thing for years and wonder how the Atonement applies to us. We often think of the Atonement as one huge event, but it’s a continuous journey (said by an Apostle). If we can grasp this concept, healing miracles can occur in our lives.

         If you could stand face to face with God, what do you think you might ask him about how He feels about you? What do you think His answers would be? Would they be a reflection of what you think about yourself? Do you think He would speak in an all-powerful voice going on announcing all your misdeeds? No. I don’t think he would. I think He would be the most loving man you have ever spoke with. I think he would define your value more beautifully than you could imagine. I think he would give you a vision of how you should already be viewing yourself. And if you could do that, you would truly be motivated by His love. Your guilt would melt away and you could embrace the power of godly sorrow through love.

Sympathy vs. Empathy

I've been reading this really good book called, The Lost Art of Listening.  From the reading I gathered this idea:

We don't need sympathy, we need empathy. We don't need people to feel sorry for us. Instead, we have an inner need to be understood.

Prov. 23: 7 “As a man THINKETH in his heart so IS HE…

            How can such a small scripture have such a deep meaning? And WHAT exactly does it mean? I will tell you from my perspective: 

Recently I watched an informative video called “The Secret”. It opened my eyes to a new and refreshing perspective. As I have thought about this video for the past several days, the above scripture came to mind. Our thoughts and the way we see the world is OUR reality. No one lives in the same reality. Each one is created in the eye of the beholder. We harbor our lives in a bank of our thoughts and feelings. “If you think you can or can’t, either way you're probably right”. “The Secret” talks about how we attract all that comes in our lives. When we are negative we attract negative things and when we are positive, we find more good. All my life I had this belief that I would live a mediocre life and without financial security as my parents did. I viewed myself as a lower class citizen and that’s all I’d ever be. And MAYBE I’ll never be rich, but at least I can reach for more than what I thought possible. What it all comes down to is what power our minds, faith and hope have in our lives. My faith, it seemed, had always been less than unwavering because I didn't REALLY believed in ME, failing to reach for what I really wanted! And perhaps had a hard time trusting in God as well. It took days of deep depression to really question WHAT MY LIFE WAS—less than satisfying. But it was all in MY perspective. If I could train my mind to see MY REALITY as something completely different, then my futuristic world could change drastically in a positive way. In the past I worried about a future I didn't know how to control. The truth is I can’t control everything! But if I have faith, believe in myself and my future, it doesn't matter what happens... I have the ability to attract continuous goodness.The doubt and fear I had was controlling my life; it was where my mind and heart was; it was WHO I WAS. I would come up with all these scenarios, good and bad in my mind. I worried a lot about my future and let my past affect me too much. Today I looked into my future and saw nothing! It’s a clean slate. It was blank! And I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to be okay with seeing absolutely nothing! I know some of the choices I will make in the near future, but I don’t know how they will turn out… But I am developing the unwavering faith to make my dreams come true!   

Please check out these quotes by James Allen: http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1840987-as-a-man-thinketh

Have we been taught contrary to the way things are supposed to be?

This weekend I attended a family reunion with my extended family. At 28 I am still single and somewhat anticipating the time when I will have a husband and a family of my own. Most of my relatives who are my age are married and have children. Therefore I became an observer. It was interesting to observe the various couples and their relationships. The person who caught the most attention though, was my cousin who is a year older than I and just had her 5^th child. Ever since she was young all she wanted to be was a wife and a mother. She grew up in California where people are a little more liberal. It surprised me that a person with her surrounding had such a desire to want something so simple. Within her first year of collage at BYU (she went to college mainly to find a husband) she met a man; they soon got married and started a family rather quickly. Both of them have always seemed happy and content with their life--at peace. Then I look at myself... I know it is bad to compare, but I can't help it. I can't say in my younger years I was content with something so simple. Marriage wasn't even on my mind till age 22. It seems my attention was on so many different things; I wasn't sure what I wanted. The truth is though, I fear, we are not trained in the proper manner. My mind has reflected a lot on the past or "the old days" when things were a lot different, a lot simpler and there weren't so many options in life. In the 1920's and 1930's women WERE wives and mothers. That's what they grew up to become. They were "trained" to become housewives, raise children, and serve their husbands. There were less divorces and men and women had specific, important, but very different roles. Now here we are today. Men and women seem to almost be competing with each other who is the better sex. This idea or "competition" doesn't really rub me the right way. I, deep down inside, don't feel like it's right. I am religious, and I know the scriptures are true. In few passages God reveals that he made men and women different, but created them as equals. As such, I believe, they should have different roles. I know in our day and time it is not uncommon for the wife to work or take up other roles. And nothing will change and perhaps get farther from where things "are supposed to be." I can't help thinking, that perhaps, I was not brought up with the right ideas about what I'm supposed to be as a woman, how to be a good wife, and serve my husband as I felt my cousin was doing efficiently. Men need women to be women and women need men to be men. I'm not blaming my circumstance on my parents or anyone else; it's just the world I grew up in. It probably does have something to do with how I'm affected by my surroundings and my personality. I have always been somewhat incisive about not just a good marriage choice, but a career as well. Now that I'm older I envy those who found marriage so easy and natural, at such a young age. They can grow together and become one as they are both developing into what they are "supposed to be". I have already made so many decisions on my own and have developed my ideas of how I think things are "supposed to be." All I want now is to have a husband and a family. I enjoy school and learning, but it doesn't bring me the joy I know a family would. On the other hand many may argue that young marriage, or marriage at all, with the wrong person may end in divorce. Divorce way back when was not very common. We are in such an age where abandoning discomfort has become so easy. Our world today has taught us that we can have what we want, when we want it, and it’s all about me. Of course it doesn't affect everyone in the same way. Some of us are very selfish and others don't seem to have a selfish bone in their bodies. The bottom line is we aren't being trained to seek out what, I believe, God intended for us.

Introduction to my blog:

To be honest, I never thought I'd ever blog up the internet. But here I am!

The idea of creating a blog first came to me when I was deep in thought thinking about random ideas I've learned or come to understand better through study and experience; desperately trying to really understand myself, others, and the world I live in. Sociology has been one of my favorite fields of study. Therefore ideas of human behavior, our environment, how we think, act, react and feel is always somewhere in the back of my mind.

I hope you enjoy and find something helpful or intriguing! Feel free to comment, argue or contest my views, opinions and ideas.